I’m 30. I’ve been married for over 3 years. I have a 4.5 month old baby boy.
I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt and a friend. I am a Christian. I am a Marketing Manager for a technology company. I am a personal trainer and Hardstyle Kettlebell Instructor (HKC) …and hopefully soon to be RKC! I am certified in Precision Nutrition.
I am sarcastic, yet full of emotion, and I think I have a little touch of OCD when it comes to having a clean house and a minimized to-do list at all times. As an aside, the best cure for this type of obsession is having a baby and going back to work. There’s just no time to clean as much as I did before and my house is unfortunately not always ‘ready for show’ as my husband would say. 😉
The list goes on, but you get my point. Even though all of the above statements are true and help to define who I am, I sometimes find myself wondering where do I fit in?
Growing up and even through college I was surrounded by other people with similar priorities. Don’t get me wrong. There were times in my life where I certainly felt left out or like I didn’t fit in with any particular crowd. As I’m sure is true for most kids, there were years in school that were much better for me than others. I played soccer and defined myself as a soccer player early on in high school, but after two knee surgeries I made the decision to give it up. I remember feeling a bit lost and unsure of where I belonged at that time. However, I still had friends who woke up and went to bed at the same time I did, attended the same events I went to and wanted to see the same movies as me.
After graduating college I spent nearly all of my time with friends who had the same interests and priorities as me. None of us were married or had kids. We all went to work every day and wanted to party on the weekends. Staying in on a Friday or Saturday wasn’t generally our idea of fun (unless there was a keg or several bottles of wine involved). At any given time some of us had boyfriends or girlfriends and some of us were single, but all of us were ready to socialize and very few of us had much responsibility other than going to work and paying some measly bills.
Even during the first few years of our marriage, we had a lot of friends who were either married or living together. Most of us had jobs with increasing responsibilities. Some of us had condos or houses and others were in apartments, but most of us were still childless. We were all becoming more and more busy, but still enjoying the same type of social activities like going out to dinner and drinks, attending concerts and sporting events, etc.
Then, more of our friends got engaged and married and started having kids. Not always in that order, but you catch my drift.
I’ve found that it has become harder to remain close with some friends as our interests and responsibilities have changed and continue to change. In many cases, it’s not that we wouldn’t get along or couldn’t still have fun hanging out, but the opportunities we get to see each other are few and far between. We live further away from each other. Our work schedules are different. Our sleep schedules are different. Some of us have kids and some do not. Even as more of our friends have kids, our kids are different ages and then they have different interests.
I’m now starting to see why it’s important to make new friends when you’re at different stages of your life. My husband and I usually go to bed at 9pm and get up at (or before) 5am. Sometimes on the weekends we go to ‘dinner’ at 3:30pm. I don’t think our childless friends would really be ready for dinner at that time. We’re hoping to meet more people close by that have babies and I’m sure as CJ grows up we will get to know his friend’s parents and so on.
Make new friends, but keep the old, right? The picture above is from my friend’s baby shower a little over a year ago. These girls are still some of my best friends and we grew up together. We don’t get to see each other nearly as often as we’d like, but I know we’ll be friends forever. Awesome, huh? 🙂
Anyone else every feel like they’re a little bit of a misfit and unsure of what group they belong in? How do you make new friends as an adult?
Please note: I’m not complaining by writing this post. In fact, I love my life now more than at any other stage. I love my husband and my baby so incredibly much and wouldn’t trade our little family for anything in the world. I also love all of my long-time friends (and will forever) so this isn’t a knock against any of them either! In fact…I miss my friends…especially the ones that have moved away or that I don’t get to see often. I just know I’m not alone in feeling like I’m not sure what ‘group’ I belong in right now so I figured I would put it out there. 🙂
Wow, I can totally relate…and I definitely think it’s partially a life-stage thing, where everyone we used to be at the same stage with, in HS, college etc., are in various stages, so you relate to some better than before and some, not at all, anymore. That’s why I feel like sometimes I relate best to the bloggers I read, because they are like-minded in many ways, too, ya know? Great post 🙂
Yup – I have found a ton of bloggers that I relate to. 🙂 Friendships change and that’s okay!
I’m switching jobs and I was having this conversation (about making new friends as an adult) with one of the other nurses that I will no longer be working with. She’s my mom’s age and had some hopeful and nice things to say. She told me that once I have children, I’ll meet tons of other young moms when I get my kids off the bus. This is still quite a ways away, and I know CJ is not even 1 yet, but she’s so right 🙂 I live 60-90mins from my best friends, and I hate it, but you’re right. Things are different (but still great) these days!
Oh yah! It’s not a new thing for me…I have felt that way off and on as an adult…not just as a new mom. I think everyone struggles with this at some point! Moving, getting a new job, getting married, having kids…all of these changes end up affecting your friendships whether you want them to or not!
I definitely feel ya!!
I think I’ve always struggled with fitting in, but thankfully each phase of my life has presented me with new situations and new friends. It can be awkward to make the first step – but I have made some amazing friends and I’ve realized over the years (especially after having kids) that it’s OK if people don’t like you or want to be friends with you.
I have really made a huge effort to include my childfree friends into my life and while it can be difficult at times because they are busy in a different way than I am – it’s always worth it. I plan things with my kids (like trips to Target or running errands they are doing too) and adult nights out. One night a week I cook dinner for one of my best friends and she comes over to watch TV. I’m betting your childfree friends aren’t sure how to incorporate your newish parenting lifestyle in their life either and you just need to figure out a way to spend time together! If eating dinner (or a snack) at 3:30 meant that I got to hang out with a good friend? I’d definitely be there!
Love your advice. It’s funny bc I always laughed when people who had kids would assume that my husband and I wouldn’t want to hang out with them just bc we didn’t have any of our own. Here I am assuming the same thing sometimes! I’m definitely doing my best to see my friends as much as possible. Where we haven’t been the best is seeing our couple friends, but I think you’re right…they might be up for dinner at 3:30 afterall. 🙂
Nicely written! I enjoyed reading this. After five moves, I feel you =). You are not alone.
You are an old pro at making adult friends now. 🙂
Oh my gosh yes! Nate and I were just talking about this. My best friends are all over the country from NY, Cali, Fl to Chicago .. It’s hard finding time to catch up and honestly some of them really can’t relate to me. It’s hard and I’ve found other moms in the area by starting a meetup group on meetup.com and hopefully some relationships will develop from that. I Just keep telling myself to stay involved .. Not to mention twitter has been awesome just wished we all lived closer. we’ll have to all go to a blog conference one day! 😉
That would be AWESOME! 🙂 Or at least have our meet up next summer in Charleston or Boston or something….
It’s so hard to find time to keep and continue developing relationships when you’re not near each other and especially when you’re not in the same phase of life. It makes me sad, but I know my BFFs will always be my BFFs no matter what we are all up to or where we are so that makes me happy. 🙂
I’m so with you on this! My 2 BFFs have been my BFFs for 20 years. Now, we still talk daily and I love them to death but they’re both single and living it up it NYC. I live im Charlotte, have been married over 4 years, and have a baby on the way. Sometimes they’ll call me at 11pm and wonder what I’m out doing that I can’t pick up. Ummm I’m sleeping!
Completely agree that it’s important to always be meeting new friends in a similar stage of life. Too bad the new mommy and mommy-to-be bloggers didn’t live closer. Then we’d all fit in 🙂
Exactly. They will always be your BFF’s, but you also need new friends too. Sad, but true, right?
11pm! That’s like staying up all night! We go to bed at 9, maybe 10 on a weekend if we’re feeling a little crazy. hehe
I’ve met so many great moms online… 😉
I’m totally there with you. My best friends live all across the US and we are all in different life stages. I joke with David about how it’s a good thing we like each other so much because we hang out just the 3 of us quite often. I’m looking forward to getting more involved in church and local mom groups in hopes of finding more couples to grab dinner and drinks with who can relate to where we are in life. It isn’t easy!
LOL…love that your hubby says that. Doing things just the 3 of you is awesome. 🙂 We are trying to find a church closer to home (our other one was an hour away which is just way too far w/ a baby!) and I’m gonna look for some moms groups too. Too bad you’re not closer. We like drinks and we like dinner. hehe 🙂
I too can relate. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life, but feel very isolated from some of my friends (many w/ kids live far away…or those close are not married yet). And making new Mommy friends is tough! We love dinners at 3:30. Maybe we can meet some day for an early dinner somewhere between our two towns!!!
Definitely sounds like we are in a similar situation! Let’s meet up some Sat…that would be fun. 🙂
I can definitely relate! My very best friends are now spread across 5 states. I have friends here, but the ones who have babies Molly’s age either work or live over 30 mins away. I am having a really hard time finding good friends going through the same things I am going through right now. Thank goodness for twitter friend 🙂 I have joined several different meetup & neighborhood groups – I feel like I’m dating again & it’s really hard!
Hi Cindi! Good point….it totally feels like dating again! 🙂 And yes… I love my Twitter friends. 🙂