Phew… June is nutty, especially when you’ve got kids doing sports and end of school year activities. Right now I only have one child in public school so huge kudos to all of you mamas with multiple children making this month look easy.
We’re a little over-booked this month, but with all fun things so I’m working on automating what I can (all the tortilla pizzas and bowl meals), cutting back where I can (can you say dry shampoo?) and enjoying the heck out of the fun plans we have with family and friends this month.
Self-Sabotage
I posted this on instagram recently after a few days of feeling like I was not living up to my own standards. One morning I was taking a walk and found myself in the midst of a little self-sabotaging after a few rough days and silly choices I made last week. I was giving myself a hard time for things that were so not even close to life or death. They were things I’d 100% tell a friend were no big thing. And mean it.
Remember, it’s way easier to be a jerk to yourself than it is to be one to a friend since no one else is listening. When you mess up once or if one thing kinda sucks in your life right now, it can feel like everything sucks, or worse, YOU suck. It’s tempting to feel like you need a total do-over in life. But, remember, life is supposed to be a little wild and crazy. Boring is no fun. Just ask this guy.
Perfectionism
I’ve come a long way in working on my perfectionist tendencies, but it’s important to re-evaluate once in awhile. It’s a never-ending battle! Despite the fact that I’m pretty darn efficient in general, I used to find myself not achieving anywhere near what I was capable of because I wasted so much time trying to get things perfect instead of doing just what needed to be done and moving on. Looking back I can see this was true in work, workouts, cleaning my house, blogging, posting on social media… and so much more.
Post self-sabotage walk that morning I was putting my hair up wondering if I should go the dry shampoo and messy bun route or take the extra time to wash and dry. That’s when I came up with this idea that life is kind of like a messy bun.
Just like a messy bun, life is supposed to be unique, chaotic and imperfect. While you can spend all the time in the world perfecting one strand at a time until a messy bun, work project or fitness plan is “perfect” according to your standards, you can also choose to throw up your hands (or your hair) and rock the mess. At least that way you keep moving and taking action!
When Everything Sucks
Believe me, I get it. When one strand in your messy bun is out of place, it’s tempting to rip everything out and start with a fresh hair washing or even just give up and throw on a baseball cap to hide the disaster. I’ve done both. And neither is wrong. They’re both good ideas in certain situations.
I promise I have a point. Hear me out.
If you screwed up lately, congrats you’re human. Practice forgiving yourself. And, if you’re like me, you might need to practice a lot. Seriously, forgiveness, particularly when it comes to forgiving myself, is not my strong suit. However, I’ll keep working on it because God knows I’ll keep making mistakes. And I’ll keep having those moments and days when one minor snafu or struggle bleeds over into all areas of my life.
You know what I mean right? I bet you’ve found yourself in a time when you feel like you’re messing up everything you do at work. And then that leads to you thinking about how you’re not as good of a mom as that other momma in your neighborhood. And you’re not as fit as you wish you were. Ugh, and while you’re thinking about it, you aren’t a great wife either most of the time. Your friends…yah you’re not there for them as much as you wish you were either. Stop the drama, mama!
I noticed this happens with my 7-year old! I tell him to put his socks on. By the seventh time I probably sound a little irritated. All of a sudden, he’s in a frenzy, telling me how I yell at him, in fact everyone yells at him and it’s the worst day ever. This sounds silly and childish, but isn’t that kinda what we’re doing too when one struggle all of a sudden means everything sucks?
Think about a few examples.
You miss one workout and your week is ruined. You inhale a cookie after work and decide there’s no other option but to skip eating anything green until Monday. Your kid comes home sick from daycare one day, throwing off your work schedule so you find yourself deciding your job sucks and you have no time to work. You have to work one weekend and can’t stop feeling like you’re the least present mom on the planet. You get an injury and can’t bench press so you quit your gym even though you could still go and do pretty much everything else. Uhh…why can’t you work on the booty instead? Duh.
So, what do we do about this? I’m proposing a 3-question problem solving idea for those days where you feel your perfectionism tendencies creeping in. It’s perfect (pun intended) for those days when one small struggle tries to take the wheel on your life.
The BUN Solution for Perfectionism Tendencies
First thing is first. Pay attention and notice when perfectionist tendencies creep in. Start looking for the times when one struggle triggers crazy self-sabotaging thoughts about everything you’re doing wrong. Pay attention to what triggers these feelings. And then attack each situation head on.
The BUN solution below gives you three options to help you determine what to do when your perfectionist tendencies fly in and attempt to take over your world.
1. Baby steps and buckle up.
If you find you’re really struggling with one area of your life AND it’s important to you to make a change, do it as gracefully as you can. Don’t worry about what you’ve done before, just think of one baby step you can take right now to change it. Take it and then buckle up and commit to changing long term. Change takes time, patience and persistence. Take things one day at a time, friends. Take action and commit to changing for good by doin’ it again the next day.
If you backslide, notice why, learn from it and move on to do better next time.
I realize I super-simplified this and made it sound easy. It’s not, but if you’ve got an area of your life that’s stressing you out and bleeding into all other things it’s time to work on it. Focus. You’re worth it.
2. Underlying issue.
Maybe it’s not about the messy bun or strand that’s outta place. Are you super-focused on the small thing that’s going wrong today in order to avoid the real problem?
Hair-wise, maybe you just need a hair cut or the hair band is a little too stretched out. Life-wise though, this might take a little digging. Are you focusing on something minor to avoid your real feelings about something going on with you? Hint: usually these are feelings of fear or shame.
Here’s one fitness/health-related example. Let’s say you’re super frustrated with your weight-loss or training progress over the last few months. Are you constantly talking about all the things you’re doing, but avoiding the big rock you don’t feel like addressing? Maybe you’re doing 89 super-specific workouts a week, counting every calorie you eat and sticking to your prescribed macros like you have a gun to your head.
However, you’re also fighting with your spouse, battling depression or you hate your job so you’re not sleeping. Oh, and you barely move outside of your prescribed workouts. Between stress, hormones and lack of movement, you’ve got an underlying issue here and it’s a lot more important than counting calories. If you’re stressed or not sleeping, no diet or fitness plan is going give you the results you want. Nail the basics and the biggies first. Always. {Examples include: sleep, stress, movement…}
3. Not worth it or not important.
The bun is fine. Move on. Really, just move on.
Decide the mistake you made was not a big deal or at least taught you some important life lessons. Apologize to yourself, and others when necessary, and then move on. It’s not worth worrying about what’s already been done.
Or decide what you’re overthinking about just isn’t important. Let’s say the project you’re working on that’s stressing you out really isn’t crucial to your business. This is when good enough needs to mean done or you gotta eliminate said project entirely if it’s not necessary.
Side note: gratitude and a little self love can help here. What are you kicking ass at right now? What body part do you really love? Who are you super thankful for? What do you have that you know so many people would kill for? Focus on the best things and don’t worry so much about the less important things.
Hopefully this messy bun theory resonated with you perfectionists and recovering perfectionists as much as it did me that day during my walk. Embrace the mess, friends.
Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together. - Brené Brown Click To Tweet
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