Strong Marriage Tips and Tricks

Did you notice my pun in the title? It’s not a fitness post, but strong marriages are like strong muscles…you gotta work on it consistently or it’s not gonna stick around. Below I’ll share a few tips that I think help create a strong marriage. Some more serious than others. Even better, I’ll list out some strong marriage tips you’ve all shared with me over the last few weeks. Go team!

A strong marriage rarely has two strong people at the same time. It is a husband and wife who take turns being strong for each other in the moments when the other feels weak. - Ashley Willis Click To Tweet

I wrote a post last year with a list of 9 things I learned in the first 9 years of marriage. As we celebrated our 10 year anniversary this past week it feels like a great time to explore some of the same ideas and add a few more to the list. Every year you learn more or you’re really not working hard enough at it, right?

I’ll share the first ten things that came to my mind and this year I asked YOU for your marriage secrets to success. ‘Cuz I know you’re aware that marriage is hard work. And it takes a village to do hard work. I’ll start with my first ten lessons learned about marriage to date. They’re not necessarily the top ten and certainly not in any order. Just ten tips, if you even wanna call ’em that. And yes just 10 of about 100 million things I could have said. 😉

…Then I’ll list a whole bunch of bonus happy marriage tips I got from you guys via Facebook, emails and Instagram. You guys are awesome and inspiring. If you want to read this feed on Facebook for specifics and conversation for more I’d love to hear from you. Better yet, tag your friend who always give you the best marriage advice. You know that friend.

Strong Marriage Tips

Here are ten random things I’ve learned about marriage in ten years.

1. Marriage takes a village.

Let’s start with this one since I just mentioned the importance of having a village. It’s so refreshing to have friends you can talk to about your marriage.

Side note: I’m not talking about gossip or talking behind the back of your spouse. That would NOT be a helpful tip. I heard a lot of that when I worked in corporate America and it made me gag. I was like, uhhh what if she heard you right now? Would she be proud? Yuck.

These are the friends who help you feel normal and remind you you’re not the only crazies who get all kinds of bent out of shape with each other about the most ridiculous {read: not important} things your spouse does. It’s good to know that other people deal with some of the same recurring smaller things and even the bigger things you’re struggling with in your relationship. Whether your friends just get it, they listen well or they’ve come out on the other side and can give a little friendly advice – it’s all good.

2. Notice when things start to get too comfortable.

You will inevitably go through phases where you’re in a bit of a rut. You’re not actually showing each other any affection. You’re listening skills suck, your patience is short and your priorities are completely out of line with each other. It will happen from time to time, but it can’t be permanent or you won’t be able to maintain a healthy marriage.

Acknowledge it. Decide together how you’ll work on it. Take action. Whatever makes you feel close, make time for that. And do it ASAP. Usually the flame usually hasn’t gone out, it just needs a little kindling.

3. Develop traditions, and add in some spontaneity.

Find a healthy mix of doing your routine/traditional things that make you guys YOU and starting new things. This will look different for everyone. Some of you will love repeating the same things and others are more spontaneous. That’s okay!

Make it a priority to keep the favorite places, activities and traditions that are ‘your thing’ going. Discover your favorite restaurants and local things to do. Become regulars. Make it a thing. Visit the same place for vacation each year. Drink mimosas on Thanksgiving morning. You do you and be careful not to let others change you or force you to do something that breaks one of your favorite traditions you really, really love. {Think: pressure to do what everyone wants on holidays.}

And then sometimes wake up in the morning and do something totally random and new. Maybe it won’t become a new tradition, but just switching things up and exploring a new place or doing something out of character can help you remember why you fell in love in the first place. Why you love walking the journey of life together and creating new memories as a couple. Besides, spontaneity can help you break out of your ruts (see #2) and then you can get back to enjoying the little traditions and silly secrets that are yours as a couple.

4. Communicate.

I basically include this in every list ever.Whether I’m talking about being a boss, a wife, a parent, a friend, etc. You need to communicate. Period. The end. In fact, over-communicate. Have the easy conversations. And definitely have the hard conversations. Generally speaking when you avoid those they happen anyway, when you least expect them. And they’re much harder when emotions are high and you don’t think before you act.

I’d say 80% of you included communication in some way shape or form as your number one key to a healthy marriage. If these lessons learned were in order or importance, this would hands down be my #1 tip.

One of my unnamed friends said communication is lubrication for the marriage wheel and everything else. 😉

5. Delivery matters.

The way you deliver good news, bad news and how you bring up things that are just bugging you matters. A lot. When you’re married you get to know each other’s looks and you know when “I’m fine” really means F you. YOU’RE NOT FINE.

Don’t fake happiness or being okay if you’re not. Honesty is pretty dang important in a marriage too. It’s right up there with communication. But, remember you can actually be honest and kind at the same time.

This comes down to thinking before you speak. Ask yourself these three things.

• Is what I’m going to say true?
• Is it helpful?
• Is it necessary?

Be sure to taste your words before you spit them out. - Auliq Ice Click To Tweet

6. Some things just aren’t worth arguing about.

Pick and choose your battles. Let some of the small things go. And choose to bring up only the ‘small things’ that really get on your nerves. Because you know what? If you keep those really annoying {to you} small things inside for too long, they actually can become the big things. If you’re constantly annoyed about something it can cause you to shut down or resent your spouse. When you bring your frustrations up in a nice way (see #4) it may it may help your other half  better understand your side of the equation. And it might avoid a huge blowout about the way you load the dishwasher…or something equally important.

There are small things my husband does that drive me nuts. Dirty socks under the coffee table for example. Don’t worry, I do things that drive him nuts too. Take leaving items on the stairs to be brought up later.

We both constantly working on delivering the message in a way that works. We recognize each other for jobs well done here. Because it’s easier to let emotion take over than to be rational about socks and tripping hazards. You better believe we bring laughter into our marriage… I’m talking about socks for three paragraphs now. C’mon that’s ridiculous. You have to laugh eventually.

7. Don’t go to IKEA together.

If you’ve done it, you know what I mean. Even if you haven’t done it, but you’ve gone there and seen other couples there together you probably know what I’m talking about.

I have no idea why I threw this one in the list since we do not frequent IKEA at all, but what hell? Maybe it will save you from a trip that results in a dumb argument.

8. Expect that having kids will be hard on your marriage.

For us, and many married couples with kids we know, the time after having our second child was the hardest on our marriage.

This could be a whole post in itself. First, you think having one child will be hard on your marriage. And it can be. But it seems for us and most couples we know, during that time you come together and you start figuring things out together. It’s all brand new territory and it’s actually kind of fun and exciting to share it together as a couple.

Then you have this second kid and WHAM. Marriage seems to get real hard. You have no time. You’re more exhausted. Every day it seems like the other one always has the better end of the deal. Avoid the my day was harder than yours crap and thank each other for working hard and being a team. #teamworkmakesthedreamwork

Trust me, having a second kid is so worth it and it doesn’t mean it’s doomsday for your married life. It just means you might have to fight a little harder for awhile. Or a long time. Or forever. The good news? When you fight for things you come out much stronger on the other side.

I want the kind of marriage that makes my kids want to get married. - Emily Werenga Click To Tweet

9. Scheduling things in sometimes is the only want to get them done.

Make time for each other… whether quality time is your love language or not. You still need it! I’ve talked many times about how sometimes, especially in the really busy seasons, you need to schedule in fun if you actually want it to happen. Marriage is no exception.

Sometimes we literally have to schedule in a Wednesday night to watch a show on the couch. Other times we get to schedule in 5 days in Aruba (thanks to the best parents ever). This is more of a gentle reminder that waiting for the perfect time or “free time” isn’t gonna happen. Make time.

Always strive to give your spouse the very best of yourself; not what's left over after you have given your best to everyone else. - Dave Willis Click To Tweet

10. You’ll need breaks from each other and you need things that are yours as an individual, not yours as a couple.

A few others brought this one up as well when I asked the question on Facebook.

Be honest with your spouse and be comfortable enough to bring up what you need. Even if that’s space or quiet time or a night to yourself. Or a night with your girlfriends. (<—wee!)

You can enjoy shopping, walking, wine or vegan food. And you can have a wonderful marriage to someone who hasn’t seen the inside of a mall in years, takes a car to his friend’s house next door, drinks beer and is basically a carnivore. You can still be you.

The goal in marriage is not to think alike, but to think together. - Robert C. Dodds Click To Tweet

Strong Marriage Tips from YOU

I paraphrased some of what you said so if you want more juicy details there are a lot here. I can’t share my DM’s with you though. That’s where the lubrication tip from above came in. 😉

• Communicate and admit when you’re wrong.
• Go all in as partners. Work for it!
• Be grateful for all your spouse does. Acknowledge how thankful you are.
• Laugh together!
• Keep your own identity and interests.
• Make time for each other.
• No fighting – disagreeing is normal. Communicate so it doesn’t escalate from a disagreement to a fight. {LOVE THIS ONE!!!}
• Remember, marriage is a choice. Keep choosing what’s best for your marriage.
• Stay on the same road, especially for the big stuff, and you’ll be able to handle the small bumps in the road.
• Always say thank you.
• Enjoy the hard moments.
• Dream together. Acknowledge each other’s strengths and weaknesses and appreciate how you work together.
• Train together! {YAHHHHHH!!!}
• Never go to bed mad.
• Decide what’s really important. Don’t make issues out of the non-important.
• Allow your spouse to grow as an individual.
• Have a strong faith and stay unified as team.
• Kill the bugs big enough to crunch for each other. {HA!}
• Drink wine together and forget about the rain and traffic.
• Fun, travel, respect, kindness and laughter. Consistently. {GREAT POINT – CONSISTENCY!!!!}
• If it’s important to your spouse it matters.
• Hang on for the ride.
• Wear your heart on your sleeve.
• Marriage is not 50/50. Give more. Always.
• Non-distracted relationship time.
• Don’t let him do laundry.
• Think before you speak. See the other side.
• Your initial belief of what your spouse thinks isn’t always right.

 

—

No marriage is perfect. Your marriage isn’t going to look like anyone else’s. And it shouldn’t. But you can learn from observing how others do things in their relationships. Keep the advice that’s useful to you in building a strong marriage and discard the rest.