I’ve shied away from sharing a ton about my history with fitness and nutrition because it seems so many in my feed (not shockingly made up of lots of fitness peeps) have stories that look similar to my own. I’m sure you’ve read your fair share of weight loss stories before.
However, I realized that you know different people than I do. And every story matters. That includes mine. And yours too by the way.
I figure if by sharing this here I help one person break out of an awful dieting cycle it’s worth it.
Other things I could have titled this post…
- The endless pursuit for perfection
- That time I lost 20 pounds really fast
- The reason you’re not losing weight
- Pursuing perfection: a long road to nowhere
- My quest to beat perfectionism before it beat me
- Stuck in an all or nothing cycle with you
I’ve been told I’m lucky to be thin and fit on more than one occasion.
Here’s what I know. You can’t win the fitness lottery. Sure, it’s possible to snag some great genetics that help make your journey a little easier, but getting and staying fit doesn’t happen by finding a 4-leaf clover or the gold at the end of the rainbow.
You may have sold yourself a story that being fit is hard for you and easy for people like me. You may assume I’ve always been naturally on the smaller side, have great genes and just don’t understand your struggle. You may think I eat “whatever I want” and must not understand how tough it is for you to get moving when you don’t feel like it. You may feel like your motivation constantly fails you while others are swimming in an endless sea of it.
Wrong all around. I sold myself plenty of these stories too in the past.
I used to be 30 pounds heavier than I am now. And no, I’m not talking about pregnancy weight gain. This was before life with my boys.
My weight fluctuated up and down pretty significantly for several years. To say I was caught in an all-or-nothing cycle is putting it lightly. I struggled to maintain my clothing size longer than a few months at a time. I gained weight. I lost weight. I gained it all back and then some.
Sound familiar?
In high school I loved sports, movement and food. These things balanced each other out for the most part and my weight was stable. I remember wanting skinny arms and overhearing some of the girls on the soccer team talking about their thigh gap. I wasn’t really all that concerned about having one. I was confident and happy. After two knee surgeries, I retired from soccer, but stayed active with running and going to the gym with friends. We kept Costco sized boxes of Sour Patch Kids in the car for the way to and from our step aerobics classes and nautilus machine sessions. #balance
Then I went to college.
I walked more than ever due to campus life and loved running in a new city. While adjusting to college life and constantly being around people, I appreciated the escape and alone time I had during my runs. Most of the time I exercised because it was a habit, I liked the way it made me feel and It was the only me-time I could get my hands on. But sometimes I did it for the wrong reasons. I used exercise as punishment – running extra miles after a late night pizza order or to “sweat out a hangover.”
I ran for an hour every day. Rain. Snow. Cold. Heat. Hangovers. Nothing stopped me. I usually enjoyed running and knew from reading all the magazines that I just had to do cardio to stay in shape. (They were wrong.)
I was surrounded by so many beautiful humans at school. It seemed like gorgeous people were spilling out of the walls of the dorms and dive bars we lived in. It was intimidating and I remember thinking it was unfair. I mean, I was the one eating salads and running a million miles a day. How did these girls eat pizzas for lunch, party all week long, sleep all day on Sunday and still wear a size 2? Luck, right?
I thought so.
We actually had decent food at school, but I didn’t like any of the meat. With the exception of a little grilled chicken if they had it at the salad bar, I accidentally became a vegetarian. I knew the Natty Light I drank every weekend was loaded with calories so I attempted to stick with mostly fruits and veggies during the week. I lived at the salad bar and treated myself to the candy bins or frozen yogurt a few times a week when the cravings hit. And boy did they hit!
My body started changing pretty quickly. I was eating pretty low calorie, taking in very little protein (BIG SAD FACE) and did tons of walking and running. The weekends were usually a bit of a free for all. I’d drink beer, eat bagels and pizza and down pounds of candy. But then it was right back on the horse Sunday morning.
In my first year of college I lost the freshman fifteen while everyone else gained it. As the months and years went on, it got harder and harder to stick to salads and fruit. While I genuinely loved (and still do love) a good salad bar, the food was no longer fun and exciting. I often ate what I felt like I should instead of what I really wanted. Sometimes the weekend would slide into Monday or Tuesday and then I’d just say F-it and eat allllll the things for a few weeks or months. Yes, months, really.
This is where the massive weight fluctuations came in. One frozen yogurt after dinner would lead to months of eating whatever the hell I felt like. I’d get so sick and tired of trying to “be good” so I’d just give up. Then I’d come home over breaks and summers and be around a lot more food. I’d gain weight and head back to school with no clothes that fit, vowing to get back on the wagon again.
It didn’t end with college even though that was definitely the craziest in terms of wild weight fluctuations. For the next 6 or so years I swung between eating literally everything in sight… and next to nothing on any given day.
If I dipped into my peanut butter jar at work I was all in and that baby was gone in a day or two. If there was Halloween candy or free bagels in the office, it was game on. Happy hour with coworkers on a Tuesday probably meant the rest of the week was a cluster. Another major change – I wasn’t moving much outside of my running once I had a desk job.
I remember trying different diets with my roommates in our early 20’s. The South Beach diet, when I basically ate nuts and ricotta cheese on repeat, is one of the most memorable. It mostly just pissed me off because it seemed like yet another thing that wasn’t working. I was so frustrated.
I look back at pictures from these times and I want to cry. I remember feeling so terrible (physically and mentally) I wanted to hide. I have flashbacks to wearing sweats around campus when nothing fit and later trying on my clothes each week for work because who the hell knew if I was a size 2 or 8 that week. I want to hug myself when I think about how emotional and lonely this cycle was at times.
Depending on the day, week or month I always felt either hungry and deprived or like a stuffed sausage. I often felt sad and lonely even though I was surrounded by people and had a pretty rocking social life.
I was having a blast, but really didn’t feel comfortable or confident in my body until, finally, I hit a bit of a turning point.
I went to the doctor when I was 24 for a physical. I hadn’t weighed myself in years because I didn’t wanna face the ups and downs. I remember him telling me I was overweight. I knew it, but didn’t want to admit it because I’d convinced myself I was healthy. I mean, I genuinely liked running and salads. Isn’t that what fit people do?
That appointment lit a fire inside. I think I made it after not having a physical for a few years because I knew something needed to change. I think I only went to that doctor once, but he lit a fire inside me.
Thankfully, something clicked. I knew I was ready, willing and able to make a change. I was sick and tired of feeling terrible. I knew my life would be so much better if I wasn’t constantly worried about how I looked and felt. I committed to making changes. I told my friends and people at work what I was up to by sharing my goals to lose some weight and feel better in my skin.
I still ran (because I LOVED it). And I decided to invest in the nicer gym in the city because it was convenient. Plus, they had soap and shower towels so I didn’t have to bring anything besides clothes when I wanted to go before or after work. This is when I learned the valuable lesson that paying for something that makes you healthier and happier is #worthit. I was getting sick of running so classes and mixing it up at the gym helped me get excited about my workouts instead of using them for punishment. Newsflash: when you realize you GET TO workout instead of beating yourself up with it you will be way more consistent.
Nutrition-wise I started making small changes here and there. It was the first time I didn’t go hog-wild and try to cut everything out at once. I stopped white knuckling it through each day and fed myself foods that were both healthy AND enjoyable. I starting bringing my breakfast to work and skipped the 3 little cups of blue cheese dressing with my lunch. I grocery shopped a bit more and stopped buying so many tubs of cool whip and graham crackers for TV time after dinner. Closing the kitchen after dinner is still one of my favorite habits for my clients (and myself).
Feeling better didn’t happen overnight. It took a long time. I didn’t change my habits with the flip of a switch. I knew I had to commit to things I could do long term instead of white knuckling through whatever version I thought was perfect nutrition until I couldn’t take it anymore.
I definitely still had blue cheese, but maybe once a week instead of every day. And Lord knows there was no way I ditched Friday party nights with my girls out in Boston. That made me happy so it stayed. And I figured out ways to make it work.
I didn’t track food, but I slowed way down and paid more attention to my hunger signals. This is something so many of us lose track of when we’re in the all-or-nothing diet cycle. We eat (or don’t) according to times, numbers, points or food groups instead of listening to what our body really needs and wants.
Eventually I became more confident in my choices and my body. I learned to move on more quickly when I had an off-plan type of day or stayed out way too late partying. I lost weight slowly and didn’t need to try my clothes on daily anymore to make sure they fit. I started to enjoy shopping again.
Eventually, I joined match.com because my newfound confidence (I can do hard things) carried over into other aspects of my life. I knew it was time to stop dating losers.
Sure, I lost weight. But I’d done that a million times before. It was different when I finally decided to play the long game instead of looking for a quick fix. It was better when I focused on my own goals and self-worth instead of comparing myself to others or wondering why “they” got so much luckier than I did. {More on confidence here.}
Look, it hasn’t been smooth sailing since age 25. I’ve had some ups and downs (literal and figurative) between two pregnancies and stomach issues. I cried when I couldn’t lose weight after my first pregnancy because I felt like I should know what to do and it seemed like my body wasn’t cooperating. I’ve screwed up my electrolyte balance by drinking too much water. And, yes, I still have days when I feel bloated or eat too much food. THIS IS NORMAL.
I’ve played with eliminating different foods, food timing, protein intake, and more. I’ve been tempted by fad diets (aren’t we all?!), but I’ve stayed committed to the marathon, not the sprint. Only in terms of nutrition – I ditched that running thing for the most part. #walkingforthewin
Sure, I know a hell of a lot more about the science behind nutrition and exercise than I did back when I was in college and corporate America. Oh how I wish baby Amanda knew that not eating any protein really f’d her up. No wonder I had sweets cravings like crazy! And you better believe I wish I’d known how to train the way I do now. I’d love to travel back in time and show myself that lifting wouldn’t make me bulky. And that traditional long, slow cardio is over-rated for fat loss. (Did you know excessive cardio can make you way more hungry?!)
But, getting to a point where I can easily maintain my weight didn’t happen when I gained more knowledge about the science of nutrition and exercise. It happened when I let go of trying to be perfect. It always felt too damn hard to be perfect. What I didn’t realize is that trying to be “perfect” was in and of itself the problem.
“Healthy striving is self-focused: “How can I improve?” Perfectionism is other-focused: “What will they think?”
– Brene Brown
In what I refer to as my quarter life crisis I chose to take responsibility for my emotions and actions in order to live a better life. I learned to turn down the noise from the fad diets, put my blinders on and figure out what worked for me. Not what worked for those super hot girls in college. Or my “lucky” fit coworkers and friends. Just what worked for me. When it came to pursuing weight loss and a healthier relationship with food for good, I committed to taking action and using the knowledge I had (even if it wasn’t all right). This worked way better than looking for a better, more perfect, faster solution.
While it might look easy (and it does come much easier now) for me to stay fit, it’s taken a lot of work – not luck – to get to this place I’m in now. I know more and can do less. But it’s because I’ve put in the work to get here. It’s true what they say – if you want to become an overnight success you damn well better be willing to put in about 10 years of work. Oh, and discipline really does equal freedom. Do the right thing most of the time (even when you don’t wanna) and you can do whatever the hell you want sometimes #hellovacation with little consequences. 😉
“The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
– Anna Quindlen
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