Most of the new moms that I talk to are friends I had before having a baby or online friends I met on Twitter, other blogs, etc. However, I have spent a little bit of time with moms of older children and I have read several mom blogs and forums. What always surprises me is just how opinionated moms are. People in general are judgmental (it’s part of our nature), but I’m finding this to be even more true with mamas and it’s got me thinking…am I the same way?
There was an article a few weeks ago on BlogHer based off of a segment from the today show on Cocktail Play Dates. The debate on the blog in the comments was pretty colorful and mostly made up of mom’s who feel it’s completely unacceptable to have a glass of wine while your kids are playing. Not sure I really want to start a debate here, but in my (humble) opinion I think it’s perfectly acceptable as long as everyone enjoys their drink responsibly. I’ll stop there on this topic…and I’ll just remember to be careful who I invite over for a glass of wine!
Other things I’ve found mom’s to be judgemental about:
- Whether you choose to breastfeed or formula feed your newborn
- If you’re feeding on demand or using the clock as a guide
- If you drink an occasional glass of wine when you are nursing (yes, again with the wine)
- When to start giving your baby solid food
- If you’re going to go back to work or be a stay at home mom
- If you’re working, whether you send your baby to daycare, hire a nanny, or work from home and multi-task
- Whether you use cloth or disposable diapers
- …and SO much more
Oh and by the way, this all begins way before you even have the baby. When you’re pregnant people judge you based on whether you find out and/or reveal the sex of your baby. They judge you based on whether or not you reveal the name of your baby before he/she is born. Then they judge the actual name. This is all after the unbelievable amount of unsolicited advice you’ll receive while sporting that bump.
Get the point? I am not saying that I don’t sometimes judge other moms. I do. Like I mentioned above, I think it’s only natural to judge others (unfortunately), but I try to be respectful and I certainly realize that I don’t have all the answers! Also, I keep most things to myself (or between my husband and I) when it comes to my feelings on other mom’s ‘horrible’ parenting skills.
I loved Tina’s post about her breastfeeding journey coming to an end. She was honest (as always) about her fear that people would judge her or think that she didn’t try hard enough to keep nursing her baby. If I read this before I was a mom I probably would have thought she was worrying for no reason, but now I get it. Mom’s are judgey.
I also loved this post by Michelle called “What I wish I knew” from the other day. In the comments you’ll see some people talking about how they were going to the be the perfect parent before they actually became one. I can pretty much guarantee these people are judging other mom’s without having any idea what it’s really like. And you know what…I did that too.
Let’s just keep in mind that we’re all from different backgrounds and every woman has a different experience with being pregnant. Every baby is different. Every child is different. I can’t even imagine how much the judgement is going to increase once I have a school age child and have to make many more choices on what’s allowed and not allowed for my child. Poor innocent CJ…he didn’t choose to have me as a mom and now he’s stuck with me and my choices for him!
Do you feel like you are judgmental? Did becoming pregnant or becoming a mom make you even more judgmental?
It’s so true that moms are incredibly judgey. I know I have my moments, but it really bothers me. Moms should be supporting each other because this is SUCH hard work…but we tear each other down too easily. So frustrating.
It is absolutely hard work and we need to support each other and stick together!! 🙂
Ahh – your little guy is so adorable!
Thanks for linking to my post 🙂
I feel like I have this conversation with my friends all the time. I’m not quite sure HOW I became friends with such great women who are all pretty much like “hey – you need to SURVIVE”, but it makes life so much easier.
I have definitely hit the school age judgment and I swear I feel like it’s high school all over again. I almost feel lucky that my son is older than my daughter because boys are definitely less pressure. But yet, it’s still there and it ends up getting passed on to the kids.
That said – I am judgmental too, but it’s on things that don’t make sense to me. Like a kid at a 9pm showing of a PG-13/R movie! I’m trying to be better/more open minded about it. I guess I never know the rationale – even if it isn’t logical!
That’s awesome that you have a group of friends like that. I’m looking forward to meeting some more moms in my area and hopefully will find some who, like you said, know that sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive! You can’t be perfect in every single area of your life, right? 🙂
High school again…I can see it now. But you’re right…what are kiddos doing at a 9pm showing of a movie they shouldn’t be watching anyway? LOL
Great post. C-sections is also a topic people are judgmental about! Oh, and CJ is lucky to have you as his mommy!
AHH…yes. C-sections. So true! I’m sure you’ve heard it all.
I have found myself saying “I would never let my kid do that or my kid will for sure do this” but ever sine I’ve had him I’ve actually been less judgemental (weird i know) because I now realize parenting isn’t always easy and just with life there’s good days and bad. In most cases we are all trying our best to do/give the best to our children and to each their own. I try to remind myself of that anytime I start judging others. And PS I think it totally acceptable drinking responsible anywhere with kids. I don’t know why everyone wants to put all these limits on us. 🙂 nice post I enjoys reading it!
That’s awesome that you have found yourself judging less! If only we lived closer I would invite you over for a glass of vino. hehe 😉
I love that you hit all of thoseissues! How about exercise? I got a lot of support when working out while pregnant, but I also got some passive aggressive comments and funny looks.
I’m no saint, I have definitely been judgey! My best friend and I had a talk a couple of months ago and told each other we would try to not judge each other – even though we have made different decisions – because, well, everyone does it differently! Have we stopped secretly judging everyone else in our circle of friends? Um. Well …
At any rate, I sincerely try to remember that I am still a pretty inexperienced mom, so what the heck do I know?! It takes practice to live and let live (for me). I mean, come on! I remember some of the practices that my parents and my friends’ parents practiced and we all turned out pretty good!
Oh yes…the working out while preggo. I definitely talked about that about posts when I was pregnant, but it’s worth mentioning again! Some people are supportive and others just think you’re nuts or that you’re harming yourself and/or the baby.
Too funny about you and your friend. Hey…at least you’re willing to admit it!
You are a great momma and you should be proud. 🙂
I say this, we all have our own journeys, we shouldn’t judge anyone on theirs but worry on our own. Each journey of each person is different. Judging & discerning is close to the same but not quite, it is as you say, talking about others parenting skills between your husnamd & yourself, not judgement but discernment. We should live our journey & pray for others journey because we have NO IDEA what theirs is about.