Emotional Labor - The Mental Load of Motherhood Part 2

The Mental Load of Motherhood – Part 2

Today I’m gonna focus on the emotional labor that comes with running a household, being a momma and owning a business. In case you missed a glimpse into my personal “crazy” last week, read part 1 first.

It seems most of you can relate to feeling overwhelmed due to the emotional and mental energy you’re spending to keep your house and family {and maybe business} running.

Bearing the brunt of this emotional labor is exhausting, and at times, frustrating. It feels like you’re constantly making to-do lists, but rarely checking things off. Or maybe you notice you’re sucking at things you usually handle with ease. You know, like remembering to bring clothes to swim lessons so your kid doesn’t have to ride home soaked when it’s 40-something degrees outside. #momfail

Running a household and being a mom is the best job in the world and there’s no denying it’s also one that requires a significant amount of time and energy. Add in a job, caring for your parents, actually maintaining a social life, having a hobby, exercising… and it can feel like you’re fighting a losing battle.

You literally are fighting losing battles sometimes. Like when it comes to food your kids won’t eat.

There are a million books you can read and endless podcasts you can listen to on ways to be more productive. While productivity strategies help a bit here, it’s about more than that. It’s about organizing, shortcuts and prioritizing what matters to you. Oh, yes and it’s about asking for help sometimes too. You just can’t do it all.

Get the Momentum Going

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been someone who puts off the smallest errands or to-do items. I hated getting gas, stopping to get milk, scheduling a hair appointment, making a return at a store, etc. I always felt like there were more important things to do so the small things got always got pushed to the bottom of the list.

The problem is these little to-dos were taking up more space in my brain than I realized. Until they were completed, these things circled around on my mental to-do list, and often made it to several written ones too. The small things were keeping me from focusing on the big things. This left me with an ongoing feeling of overwhelm.

This still happens from time-to-time. I notice a bunch of little to-dos swirling around in my tiny brain, sucking the energy right out of me. Every time I see a paper on the counter, look at the calendar or attempt to get the last drop of shampoo out of the bottle, I feel more stressed. These small to-dos take up residence in my head and leave little space for anything else.

GSD Sprints

Last week, after finishing part 1 of this post, I did what I’m now calling a GSD sprint.

I ordered new contacts, placed an Amazon order, made a dentist appointment, returned the dresses via UPS, and went to the grocery store with Connor when he got off the bus. It was a realistic amount of things to accomplish, while still setting aside a bit of focused time to do “real work.” The crazy to-do thoughts in my brain calmed down and I felt at peace. Productive even.

I put reminders in my calendar to finalize summer camps, schedule a physical for Connor and reach out to our staff about vacation schedules. This way, I know these things will pop up on my list later and I don’t need to give them any more mental energy today.

I’m slowly learning these GSD sprints really help free up brain space and create more breathing room in my life. Checking the small things off the list gets the momentum going.

Focusing on the minor things that I can check off or delay until later (with reminders because they need to be totally gone from the brain for now) helps me actually focus when it’s time to be with my family, write, coach clients, develop social media posts, etc.

This GSD sprint idea is a biggie for me, but I realized there are tons of other habits, shortcuts and actions that help calm the inner crazy. I got some ideas from other supermoms out there and I bet you have some of your own tricks so I’d love to hear from you with more ideas I can share!

I’ve been using number 4 in the list below for years now and I love it.

23 More Ways to Deal with Emotional Labor

Try these tricks to free up a little space in your head when you’re feeling overwhelmed. I’d love to hear from you if you have other tips that help you stay sane while managing the mental load of motherhood and the emotional labor that comes along with running a household.

1. Have a running list of things you need to pick up at the grocery store, Target, etc. on your phone at all times. Add an item to the list and forget about it until you go next.

2. When there’s something you want to order online, order right away. Use Alexa or just hop on and order from Amazon Prime. Don’t be afraid to buy certain things in bulk so this to-do pops up less often. Things like coffee, wine, cereal, tortilla chips, paper towels, oats and milk are all things I tend to stock up on.

3. For bills you get in your email or snail mail, pay them online or pop the check in the mail immediately. This is usually easy and can be done with kids around. Bonus: this eliminates clutter around the house and in your inbox too. Pay, file and you’re done.

4. If you’ve got a to-do item on the list, but you’re waiting on someone else or you can’t sign up for something yet, set a Google calendar reminder. Then forget it…for now.

I know you can use tasks for this, but I actually put a lot of things on my calendar as all day events and have Google remind me via email 5 days before, 1 day before, etc. depending on what it is. I have the reminder go to my email, which is generally my to-do list. This way I can create recurring events for things I do weekly, monthly, etc. I delete the email from my inbox when it’s done or edit items on the calendar if something needs to be pushed out again.

This way I don’t have a “task list” that’s bugging me and adding to my emotional labor. I’m confident that if I need to do something, it will pop up when the time comes.

5. Adopt a different definition of a clean house. My house used to be spotless. Don’t get me wrong, I still love a clean house, but I know it’s not realistic for me to keep it clean all the time. There are some non-negotiables, like wiping the counters and running the dishes every day and cleaning the bathrooms at least once a week. I’ve had to let go of other things, like the toys all over the playroom.

6. If you hate cleaning, you’re not home a lot or just know your time is going to be better spent doing something else, hire a house cleaner. Remember, you don’t have to hire someone to come weekly if it’s not in your budget or you enjoy cleaning, but monthly help for a deep clean might be a game-changer. <— Finally taking my own advice on this one.

7. Childcare. I’ve written about this a million times. Raising children takes a village. Working with young kids around is never easy. You exacerbate the already-present feeling of being a bad mom and bad employee/business owner with the inevitable multi-tasking that takes place. You’re not a bad mom for sending your kids to daycare. In fact, it will probably make you a better mom because you just might feel slightly less overwhelmed.

8. Make date nights a must-do. We sucked at scheduling these for awhile in our marriage and it wasn’t good. If your marriage is important to you, you need time together. Just the two of you, out of your house without children. Make sure you still know and love each other. Marriage is amazing, but it doesn’t stay solid without work.

9. See your girlfriends. You need time with the other people in your life who are going through similar experiences. You get each other. No matter how much you love your husband, he isn’t going to understand it the same way. Oh, and worth mentioning, you also need time with your girlfriends who are in different phases of life. It gives you a nice dose of perspective that nothing lasts forever.

10. Be specific when asking for help from a spouse, parent, etc. Communicate details. When do you need help and for how long? And don’t forget to say thank you and/or return the favor.

11. Exercise less. If there’s a particularly busy time and finding a way to get to the gym is stressing you out, don’t go for a bit. Do a few at-home workouts or get out for a few short walks daily. Just commit to a date when you’re getting back at it and stick to the plan.

12. Exercise more. Yup, seems contradictory, but just depends on the person. Exercise is a great stress reliever and actually helps you be more productive the rest of the day in most cases. The problem comes when you’re relying on training for stress relief and have no other way to feel better.

If you have a week or two here and there where you just really wanna take it out on the weights or run a few extra miles – go for it. Just listen to your body when it’s telling you it’s time to back down and/or go back to normal.

13. Text old friends. There’s something so comforting and familiar about talking to the people who’ve known you longest. These friends have seen you at your best and worst. They know you in a different way than your new friends ever will.

14. Run around the house or play outside with your kids. Even when you don’t feel like it, movement is medicine for everyone!

15. Put on music. I love the quiet, but often times music improves my mood and keeps my momentum going for the day. Exception is when I’m writing or need to really focus.

16. Arrange no-meeting times or days. These are the days you can schedule in a GSD sprint and also use some blocks for focused work, exercise and yes, even rest.

17. Put a calendar in the kitchen. My husband sucks at remembering anyone’s schedule except for his own. He’s great with his own clients and even knows when he needs to pick up the kids. For the rest, we have a calendar in the kitchen so we’re on the same page. My kids love this too so they can see when we have things coming up.

18. Pack lunches and bags the night before. This is really just a game-changer. Even when you’re tired at night, remember, it’s so much nicer waking up knowing you can rush a little less in the morning.

19. Buy some Bentgo box lunches. We’ve been using these for a few years and they are great. I make 2 lunches for Connor and 1 for Drew on Sundays so I’m done for the first few days of the week. I have extra trays with covers and I put everything right in the dishwasher.

20. Don’t be Betty Crocker. Unless you want to and it doesn’t stress you out. Embrace things like tortilla pizzas and anything else that is easy, yet satisfying for you. Make breakfasts ahead of time. I’m a huge fan of making several overnight oats containers at once. I throw oats, protein, chia seeds, hemp seeds and spices into containers. I keep them in the cabinet, add almond milk in the morning and pop ’em into the fridge until I’m ready to eat. So easy. So good.

21. Laugh, sing and dance. Try not to take yourself so seriously. Life is short. Live it well.

22. Skip the snacks. I used to be a huge snacker. These days I’m trending toward the no-snack (or less snacks) bandwagon, not only for myself, but for clients too. It eliminates things you need to think about and in my book that’s a good thing. It doesn’t work for everyone, but I love having bigger, more satisfying meals and shortening the timeframe I eat during the day. One less thing to plan!

23. Eliminate projects that you really don’t need to do. I stole this one from Ariana Huffington. Literally remove things from your to-do that don’t really matter or aren’t important to you, yet are stealing your attention. Check ’em right off. (Read more.)